Last week was very difficult. I managed to do two stupid things. 1) I harmed myself and 2) I just left my flat, no phone, nothing, with no intention of coming back.
I just want to make it clear I do not condone harming oneself at all. If my partner started doing it it would upset me, which I know is very hypocritical. I get myself into such a state sometimes that I have almost a ‘mind fog’. The only way I have found to cope with this recently and calm myself down is cutting myself…it is almost a release and I feel better soon after. I hadn’t done it for a while, so doing it again seems like a step backward but at the time it seemed the only way to calm myself down. I haven’t harmed myself since, or intend to. I am starting to see a psychiatrist and will probably leave my job soon, which I am hoping both will help in the short and long term.
The second silly thing I did was when I was in one of these mind states and I knew my partner had hidden the razors in the flat. I just walked out, no coat, no keys, no money, no phone and started walking crying my eyes out down a road outside our flat. I had no intention at the time of coming back, I just wanted everything to end. Luckily, my partner quickly noticed I had left and managed to find me. At the time I was angry that he had found me and just wanted to be left alone. Of course, now looking back I am so glad he found me. I can’t really explain what was going on in my head at the time, most of it was ‘I can’t do anything right’, ‘I am not worthy of life’, ‘my partner would be better off without me’…and other negative thoughts.
I have also been trying to do my make up every day, something I have never done everyday before to make myself feel better and to practice as I am rubbish with make up! Today’s attempt below!
So, overall, pretty bad week. I am getting help and I have been told about a recovery college and a charity that will help me get some more appropriate work. I also have an interview to volunteer at a local animal charity (I heard animals can help!). Don’t suffer in silence…talk to anyone or google help with depression there are some great charities and other people online to talk to, if you just google :).